Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Want to save the world? Vote McCain!

Uh oh! Elroy’s blown a fuse! What’s happened? Has he fallen into a bottomless pit of someone else's money? Has he come good part two of the ol’ ‘If you’re not a socialist when you’re sixteen you don’t have a heart…’ canard? Or have the passionate arguments of committed and idealistic conservatives finally won the day in the great marketplace of ideas?

No, it’s worse – he has been taking the advice of Rush Limbaugh, the Republican propagandist who makes Benito Mussolini look like a member of Code Pink and who has been exhorting his millions of foam-frothing followers, ‘free-thinking’ fundamentalists who call themselves ‘Dittoheads’ without a shred of irony, to commit executing his pet plan for knobbling the Democratic Party – ‘Operation Chaos’ (Full range of merchandise available here)

In a Oxycontin-induced haze of deluded grandeur, El Rushbo is the puppet master of a campaign that requires his hapless, dyed-in-the-wool conservative disciples to register as Democrats and vote for Hillary Clinton in the primaries in order to keep her in the race and cause a Democratic presidential candidate smackdown fight to the death with Barak Obama at the Democratic autumn convention, resulting in the complete implosion of the Democratic Party and never-ending Republican Party domination. Ah, jus’ doncha lurve conservatives’ love and respect for the democratic process?

But as two can play at that game, Elroy is launching Operation Annihilation whereby he hereby encourages members of the Democratic Party to vote for McCain in the general election ¬to ensure the complete destruction of the Republican Party and the never-ending enlightenment of Democratic domination. If democracy is a now a war, then strategic, long-term planning and sacrifices are going to be necessary to achieve one’s objectives.

When Bubba Clinton ambled off the world stage in 2000, the USA was in a parlous state. The US economy was in surplus, the world was more or less at peace and the Democrats were looking like they were going to continue the peace and prosperity scare well into the 21st Century – thank god then that George W. Bush true and righteous minions were on hand to, er, appropriate the 2000 presidential election and return the country to its natural condition of fear, death, debt, corruption and control in amounts far greater than have ever been seen outside of a combination of Zimbabwe, Argentina and North Korea courtesy of the single-minded commitment of Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and their ideological drones.

The trouble is that 7.5 years of the great project later, it still isn’t finished. The supposedly successful whack-a-mole strategy, the manly ‘surge’, has ensured that the various Iraqi militias and insurgent groups are well-rested, armed, financed and ready to take on the US and each other with a renewed vigour that will, in Elroy’s esteemed opinion, leave the past five years look like a ice-creams and lollipops all round and, as the USA will not have the manpower to deal with it, they will be left with two politically ugly options: pull out completely or institute the draft.

On the economic front, the Dubya’s ‘compassionate conservatism’ has resulted in the impoverishment of thousands, if not millions, of his ‘fellow Americans’ as the neo-con dream of complete deregulation raped, pillaged and left for dead the real estate market of Townsville USA, and his friends in high places managed to gut and ship to China and Mexico what was left of America’s once mighty industrial muscle. Recession is being kept at bay, it seems, by the power of prayer alone as John and Jane Doe work a sixth job to pay off the credit cards while the War-o-meter keeps ticking over at a rate of three hundred and sixty-odd million borrowed dollars every, single, bloodstained, day.

The problem is that the US is delicately poised on the edge of an abyss the likes of which have never been seen in any generation, and the Republicans know it – that’s why they have put mad, bad and older-than-the-hills, John ‘Insane’ McCain up as their candidate. Hopefully the electorate will know a nutbag when they see one and vote accordingly, thus ushering some poor, hapless Democrat (a chick or a coon would do nicely) to take the rap and leave the Grand Old Party to fight another day.

The whole thing, people, is a trap. Do you honesty think that the Republicans would have put up such a motley crew of cranks and nutters as candidates if they thought there was Jew’s chance in Palestine that he might become POTUS? Mitt Romney? The dumb-as-a-brick millionaire member of a bizarre magic underpants cult which only 100 years ago was as toxic to Johnny Button-shoe as Islam is today? Mike Huckabee? The completely fucking loony Baptist preacher who thinks the wall between church and state is an open-plan renovation opportunity? John McCain? The irascible old philanderer who is willing to say anything, absolutely any-180º-volteface-on-everything-he-ever-held-dear thing that might get him over the line after being beaten by his sworn enemy, oops, new best friend GWB, in order to get the nod?

Bollocks. If the GOP wanted a serious candidate there are plenty, well, a few serious, intelligent and telegenic Republicans out there who would have been more than happy to become President of the United States if the job was worth having, but guess what? It ain’t, not this time, so resist I say, fight the power! Subvert the dominant paradigm! Get mad as hell! Don’t take it anymore! I exhort all Democrats, please, resist your better instincts, do not act according to your beliefs, vote against your immediate interests!

When Elroy was a mere slip of a lad, his despairing parents attempted to beat into him the idea that it was incumbent on him to clean up his mess after him; he took no notice, naturally, as he was not the leader of the free world at the time, but the concept continues to haunt him to this day now that the US presidential elections draw close and so he has seen the wisdom of his old folks’ ways and how they should applied.

The point is that the US and, as a result the rest of the world, is going to hell very fast in a very large handbasket thanks to thirty years of Free Market™ madness, but if we are ever to banish this nuttiness forever we must let its architects finish the job. If the Democratic Party get up in 2008 they will be blamed the entire farrago, for the destruction of the world economy and the loss of Iraq to a Shiite theocracy which then screws the US for that ol’ light sweet crude, so vote McCain and make sure that the bucket o’ shite lands on him and not Obama.

Even Hillary knows this! She is giving Obama the irrits just to have something to do while playing the long game of letting Barak be the patsy so she can come in to clean up the mess in 2012. Naturally, the GOP is in the hunt as well; Karl Rove and the rest of the neo-con cabal are looking to this very strategy to regain the White House next time around, so it is imperative that the forces of good do not get sucked into ending the torture of the interminable Bush years and thinking of the future.

So join Operation Annihilation and hold the GOP accountable – give McCain the chance to live up to his election promise to stick with Iraq no matter what or, even better, to withdraw the troops himself, demonstrate just how much he does or doesn’t know about economics depending on what day it is, and generally inflict Four More Years!™ of the Bush agenda on the world and by doing so completely and utterly destroy the Republican Party for at least two generations or more.

Yes, the only way out for Planet Earth is to make sure that the GOP are buried forever, so if you want to save the world – vote McCain! You know it don’t make sense.

5 comments:

Benjamin said...

You would have to be the greatest opinion columnist in the country; though that isn't saying much.

I cannot work out if you are a cynic who believes that things can be improved, or a cynic who acts as if things can be improved, because that is just your style.

You must write for a reason. Is it, like me, just out of vanity, or do you have the disease of indignation?

Do you have any favourite writers?

Regards,
Benjamin
www.comedywriter.com.au
www.benjaminmarks.info

Elroy said...

Why thank you, Benjamin, for those kind words; to know that I am rated higher than Andrew Bolt does wonders or my day – it is, however, my avowed intention to be castrated by News Ltd at the earliest opportunity in exchange for the contents of Rupert's petty cash tin.

What kind of cynic am I? I am a cynic who believes that things could be improved while knowing they won't be, but who wants to make sure that those in charge do not perform the improvements due to a lack of information.

I write for all of the reasons you set out; I am both highly indignant and a complete wanker with way too much time on his hands, plus maintaing a blog is a terrific way of not finishing the novel.

My favorite writer depends on what day it is, but seeing how it is Friday I will vote for Ann Coulter and Bill O'Reilly.

Thanks again, and thanks for playing Let's Ask Elroy!™ Write again soon – it gets a bit lonely here sometimes.

Cheers

Elroy

Benjamin said...

Personally, I far prefer H.L. Mencken's writing and politics to that of Coulter and co. Are you a Mencken fan?

I too like Bolt, but not on all issues.

I am saddened to hear that you are indignant, but as I am not indignant, will not be crusading to vanquish yours.

Elroy said...

Personally, I far prefer chewing off my right leg to the writing and politics of Coulter and co – I merely mention them as being masters of dead pan satire, a accolade I must apparently share.

I’m none too familiar with Mr Mencken; any friend of Ayn Rand is no friend of mine but I am encouraged by his absolute atheism and general anti-Americanism – however, of that era’s writers I would much prefer to share a stiff martini with Upton Sinclair, Robert Benchley, Dorothy Parker and Sinclair Lewis.

If I ever found myself agreeing with Bolt I would enter that office with the service revolver and do the right thing and, quite honestly, I truly feel that if you are not indignant in this day and age you are not paying attention – my indignation will burn as the sun until it is no longer required, and may that day come sooner rather than later.

Wot sayest thou?

Cheers

Elroy

Benjamin said...

I'm a big fan of Sinclair Lewis, not so much the others. Main Street is my favourite work of his. Mencken liked him too, for what it's worth. Also, Elmer Gantry was dedicated to Mencken.

... that's all for now.