Happy Easter! War Is Over!
Hoorah! Hooray! Yes, the War On Terror is over! Yippee! There has been much jubilation and dancing in the streets across the planet after the White House announced that they had secured a confession from the man responsible for all Islamic terror attacks across the globe for past twenty years. Yay! So y’all nabbed OBL? Whoopee!
Well, WE all nabbed Khalid Shaikh Mohammed.
Oh. Is he the one wot dunnit?
Sure was! He’s put his hand up for, ooh, well, everything really! How handy is that?
It’s certainly convenient. So what, exactly, did KSM do?
Well, it’s not only what he did; it’s what he didn’t do! Got a minute? Grab a beer and sit down, son – actually, you might wanna order a pizza – 'cause this could take a while.
See, he’s up for buckets of stuff; the 1993 bombing of the World Trade Centre in New York City, that nutbag shoe bomber guy, the Filka Island operation in Kuwait and the Bali nightclub bombing. Seriously, he planned a second wave of attacks on major US landmarks after 9/11 like the Library Tower in California, the Sears Tower in Chicago, the Plaza Bank building in Washington state and the Empire State Building in New York. He had every intention of destroying US military vessels and oil tankers in the Straits of Hormuz, the Straits of Gibraltar and Singapore!
Really, this guy was, um, on fire! He wanted to blow up the Panama Canal, thought hard about an assassination attempt against former US President Jimmy Carter (we kinda liked that one) and other former presidents, really, really, really wanted to blow up suspension bridges in New York and thought he might even get away with a cunning scheme to destroy the Sears Tower in Chicago by burning fuel trucks beneath it!
He sure had vision! What about that whimsical notion to destroy targets in London like Heathrow Airport, Canary Wharf and Big Ben? And how he floated the idea of mounting attacks on night clubs in Thailand frequented by Americans and Britons? Genius! He also thought he might do something about targeting the New York Stock Exchange and other US finance industry targets post 9/11 and dreamt about using airplanes flying from Saudi Arabia to attack and destroy buildings in Elat, Israel.
What a busy boy! Crikey! Thirsty work, this. Now, deep breath, what else did he cop to? Ah! He reckoned he had a go at planning some attacks to destroy American embassies in Indonesia, Australia and Japan, he mooted having a crack at Israel’s embassies in India, Azerbaijan, the Philippines and Australia, and an Israeli El-Al Airlines flight from Bangkok. He sent several of his closest Mujahidin buddies into Israel to survey some ace strategic targets, he was the dude behind the suicide bombing of a hotel in Mombasa and a failed attempt to down an Israeli jet taking off from an airport in Mombasa with an SA-7 surface-to-air missile.
I mean, can you believe this guy? Really, he seriously considered attacking American military bases and nightclubs frequented by US soldiers in South Korea, he charitably provided the financial support to attack US, British and Jewish targets in Turkey, in his down time he undertook surveillance for a plan to hit US nuclear power plants, came up with the nifty idea of attacking Nato headquarters in Europe over a lengthy lunch, had a hand in the 1995 Bojinka Operation to down 12 American planes and was to his neck in monitoring a round-trip from Manila to Seoul on Pan Am Airlines!
Damn! How's that Muslim work ethic! On his days off he planned an assassination attempt against the Pope and former US President Bill Clinton during his visit to the Philippines (y'know, maybe the guy isn't all bad), ran a plan to assassinate Pakistan President Pervez Musharraf up the flagpole, actively encouraged an attempt to destroy Henry Kissinger’s oil company in Sumatra and here's the kicker: he reckons he rounded up some of his homies and got them to fly airplanes into the WTC on 9/11! As if!
Wow! What a guy! So is that all?
Is what all? Ain’t that enough? What, do y’wanna nail him for Kennedy and WW2? (Memo to self: ‘ask’ KSM about Kennedy and WW2).
What about Osama?
The other guy, the guy that used to have done it. Is he off the hook now?
I have no idea who you’re talking about. We got the guy. KSM. Game over.
So, er, that’s it then? We can all go home?
Um, no. Although we’ve got the guy that did everything, that War On Terror™ ain’t nowhere near finished; there are plenty of types out there who might do something later so we’re going after them too.
Oh. Well, who are they then?
They are the unknown unknowns. We think they might be sorta swarthy looking. Or not. Whatever. Can’t be too careful.
But the War On Terror was about catching the terrorists and we did. You did. And it turns out there was only one of ‘em, so…
Ah. But now there’s more than one. Now there’s lots.
Why? How come?
Because of the War On Terror! Dur!
So why are we so mad at Iraq?
Because Iranians Hate Our Freedoms™! They torture people! They have no justice!
Hmm. So how did you get this confession from KSM?
Yeah. Well. We coerced him a little. Finessed. Played him a few records, y’know, kept him up past his bedtime, generally gave him ample opportunity to engage in a conversation regarding his various activities, hobbies, pastimes and that, y’ know, usual stuff.
Coerced. Would that be coerced as in the PATRIOT Act’s ‘coercive measures’ coerced?
Right. And so where exactly were y'all when he spilt the beans?
Oh, okay. So what kind of court? Federal? Supreme?
Um, Cuban. Sorta. Ever been? S'lovely this time of year.
Oh. Gee, picking a jury must have been hard.
Yeah, well, there wasn’t a jury as such…
Oh. I see. Well, the judges…
Nope. Weren’t none of them either.
It was a military tribunal.
But his lawyer…
Uh uh. Sorry.
Then how did he call witnesses?
Witnesses? He did 9/11! He said so!
But he must have been allowed to defend himself somehow.
Bzzzt! Wrong again!
But that’s not justice.
He doesn’t deserve justice.
So you can never give him a fair trial?
Depends on what you call fair.
Well, I'd say defence lawyers, jury of peers, the right to see the evidence against you, hearsay evidence being inadmissable, that sort of thing. The odd judge wouldn't hurt either.
Oh. That kind of fair.
Yes. So, how about it?
No, it's way too fair. There's no way he can have one of them.
Because we coerced him.
But now you’ll have to let him go.
Not so fast, buddy.
But you can’t keep him indefinitely without a trial.
Oh no? Watch us!
But what about Habeas Corpus?
The right to challenge one’s detention.
He did 9/11! He’s got no right to anything!
So how do you know he’s not lying?
Why would he lie?
Would you believe him if he said he didn’t do it?
Would you let him go if he didn’t do it?
So what has he got to lose? You’re not going to let him go either way, so he might as well have some fun.
What do you mean?
I mean that he’s messing with you.
Oh. Y'think so? Gee. We never thought of that. So he’s lying about not lying?
What a liar! Stick him in Git’mo!
He’s there already.
Oh yeah. So he is. Oops!
Didn’t you think that it was all a bit too easy?
Certainly saved us some work. Now we don’t have to catch, um, wassisname, er…
Hey, here’s an idea – maybe he never said any of it. Maybe the military made it all up. Maybe he said it and he gets to disappear to Argentina…
Aha! A conspiracy fucking theorist. This interview is over.
Mr. Cheney, thank you very much.
Go fuck yourself.
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