As it is deemed appropriate at this time of year to engage in hypocritical acts of piety, Let's Ask Elroy!™ humbly offers the follwing biblical tract for your consideration. In keeping with all religious zealots, Let's Ask Elroy!™ bears absolutely no responsibility for the following, nor credit for it, just to say that it is without possible doubt 110% true.
From the Book of Kevin:
Gather ye now among thy tribes and among thy families and then shalt thou rest, for the year runneth its course. Put aside therefore thy labours and place thy trust in thy investments, and possibly thy investments in thy trust.
For it came to pass that there were great changes in the land. For John was their leader, yea even unto eleven years and the land was covered in darkness and darkness was upon the face of the deep and there were troubles in the land without number, and there was war. And the money-lenders cranketh up rates, despite John’s claim that he keepeth them from being cranked. For John was old and weak and thought only of the past, and he was sore afraid and his confusion was manifold. And he knoweth not what to do.
And John sayeth unto Peter, ‘You are the anointed one. You will take my place. So get thee hence and wait.’ And Peter goeth ‘Why promiseth thou me this? And why, having promised, deliverest thou not? For we have had this conversation before and it shitteth me.’
And John smiled. And did nothing. For he knew that Peter pulleth not the skin from a rice pudding, and that he doeth nothing and abideth his time, which was fruitless.
But John gathereth about him the Pharisees and he spake unto them, saying ‘Bretheren, there shall be a reckoning. And mighty shall be our victory over those who oppose us. For we have found an infidel in Queensland and his name is Haneef and he is a healer of the sick. And he shall be deported without trial. For there will be no trial. For there will be no charges. For he has done nothing wrong. And he is not the infidel.'
And the people saw this. And they shook their heads. And yea, though John be old and hopeless, he walketh still each morning in the suit of track, and he waveth to his people. And his people waveth back. But after John passeth by, his people turneth each to the other and they sayeth each privately ‘lo, he looketh a great tool.’
But the scribes saw not. Nor did they write. For they mostly contemplateth the Lillies of the field and the Marshes and the Warnies and the Abletts and the Judds. For obsesseth they with sport. For those who record events in the land are concerned with the line that is bottom. For that is the way it works for ever and ever. Amen.
So the scribes sensed not what the people knew. But there was anger in the land. For the people haveth John up to here.
For there were those who would come across the sea and they were placed in the centre that is detention.
And there were those who were in the land since time immemorial and John spoke not to them.
But John spoke freely to others. For he told them stories. For example he told them there were unbelievers, who would attack the land. And John said they numbered many millions and would smite us, for they were evil and full of hate and we were the lamb of God and had done nothing. For John gave his people a fridge magnet.
For John faileth to understand the metaphor of the burning Bush.
For there was also a plague which causeth the land to become warmer.
And this was a huge surprise.
For this was not understood by science until thirty years previously.
But John denieth this three times. For John calleth this a drought. But the people suspecteth something more permanent. For they worked on the land. And neither were they born yesterday. Nor cometh they down with the last shower. For there was no shower.
For who was John kidding?
And there was great confusion in the land and the people were sore afraid.
And then John introduced new laws; that man might profit not from his own work but from the work of others.
And the people sayeth to John ‘John. You are great and have all power and are wise and we wish to use the band that is called broad.’
And John shruggeth his shoulders and spake unto the people as follows; ‘What band is it that is called broad. I know nothing about any such band. Now begone, as I have to call George. ‘
And the people giveth up. For they knew that cometh the reckoning, fixeth up they John in spades.
And there was a crack of thunder and a mighty wind and lo, there was a light in the east. A bright light. And there were three wise women. And they were Julia and Penny and Nicola.
And they came upon a house in Canberra and they said ‘Prepare ye. For a child will be born, whose name shall be called Kevin. And even though he perhaps be not thy saviour, he be something to be going on with.’
And great hosannas rang out and booths opened for the reckoning, and great was the polling therein. And there was slide of land and he that is called Kerry announceth a swing to the ABC. For verily it was so. And the people looked at their work and saw that it was good.
For John was defeated and lost, and ebbeth he and his kind like the tide. And lo, Peter had a note from his mother and was excused leadership duties. And electeth they Brendan, who knoweth fanny adams and who loveth Brendan with all his heart.
And so it was that Kevin became a leader. And he spake unto his people and they fell into a swound for Kevin haveth many qualities but he hath not brevity.
For the people did not need a lecture. For they understood the problems. For they put Kevin there, rather than the other way round.
But the three wise women saw. And they took Kevin out the back and explaineth they things very firmly to Kevin. ‘Kevin’ they said. ‘There is a time to every purpose. A time for speaking and a time for shutting thy face. We will give you a signal. For boreth ye not thy people.’
And Kevin recogniseth that he had fallen among friends and he was pleased. For he had learnt to read signals.
And the people rested. For it was a time of feasting and gift-giving and crippling debt. They would eat and drink. For they would need to be ready for work when they got back.
For the place was a shambles.
From The Book of Kevin 12; 15-73; The Gospel According to the Crikey Psephological Observation Unit.
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