Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Happy Easter! War Is Over!

Happy Easter! War Is Over!

Hoorah! Hooray! Yes, the War On Terror is over! Yippee! There has been much jubilation and dancing in the streets across the planet after the White House announced that they had secured a confession from the man responsible for all Islamic terror attacks across the globe for past twenty years. Yay! So y’all nabbed OBL? Whoopee!

Well, WE all nabbed Khalid Shaikh Mohammed.

Oh. Is he the one wot dunnit?

Sure was! He’s put his hand up for, ooh, well, everything really! How handy is that?

It’s certainly convenient. So what, exactly, did KSM do?

Well, it’s not only what he did; it’s what he didn’t do! Got a minute? Grab a beer and sit down, son – actually, you might wanna order a pizza – 'cause this could take a while.

See, he’s up for buckets of stuff; the 1993 bombing of the World Trade Centre in New York City, that nutbag shoe bomber guy, the Filka Island operation in Kuwait and the Bali nightclub bombing. Seriously, he planned a second wave of attacks on major US landmarks after 9/11 like the Library Tower in California, the Sears Tower in Chicago, the Plaza Bank building in Washington state and the Empire State Building in New York. He had every intention of destroying US military vessels and oil tankers in the Straits of Hormuz, the Straits of Gibraltar and Singapore!

Really, this guy was, um, on fire! He wanted to blow up the Panama Canal, thought hard about an assassination attempt against former US President Jimmy Carter (we kinda liked that one) and other former presidents, really, really, really wanted to blow up suspension bridges in New York and thought he might even get away with a cunning scheme to destroy the Sears Tower in Chicago by burning fuel trucks beneath it!

He sure had vision! What about that whimsical notion to destroy targets in London like Heathrow Airport, Canary Wharf and Big Ben? And how he floated the idea of mounting attacks on night clubs in Thailand frequented by Americans and Britons? Genius! He also thought he might do something about targeting the New York Stock Exchange and other US finance industry targets post 9/11 and dreamt about using airplanes flying from Saudi Arabia to attack and destroy buildings in Elat, Israel.

What a busy boy! Crikey! Thirsty work, this. Now, deep breath, what else did he cop to? Ah! He reckoned he had a go at planning some attacks to destroy American embassies in Indonesia, Australia and Japan, he mooted having a crack at Israel’s embassies in India, Azerbaijan, the Philippines and Australia, and an Israeli El-Al Airlines flight from Bangkok. He sent several of his closest Mujahidin buddies into Israel to survey some ace strategic targets, he was the dude behind the suicide bombing of a hotel in Mombasa and a failed attempt to down an Israeli jet taking off from an airport in Mombasa with an SA-7 surface-to-air missile.

I mean, can you believe this guy? Really, he seriously considered attacking American military bases and nightclubs frequented by US soldiers in South Korea, he charitably provided the financial support to attack US, British and Jewish targets in Turkey, in his down time he undertook surveillance for a plan to hit US nuclear power plants, came up with the nifty idea of attacking Nato headquarters in Europe over a lengthy lunch, had a hand in the 1995 Bojinka Operation to down 12 American planes and was to his neck in monitoring a round-trip from Manila to Seoul on Pan Am Airlines!

Damn! How's that Muslim work ethic! On his days off he planned an assassination attempt against the Pope and former US President Bill Clinton during his visit to the Philippines (y'know, maybe the guy isn't all bad), ran a plan to assassinate Pakistan President Pervez Musharraf up the flagpole, actively encouraged an attempt to destroy Henry Kissinger’s oil company in Sumatra and here's the kicker: he reckons he rounded up some of his homies and got them to fly airplanes into the WTC on 9/11! As if!

Wow! What a guy! So is that all?

Is what all? Ain’t that enough? What, do y’wanna nail him for Kennedy and WW2? (Memo to self: ‘ask’ KSM about Kennedy and WW2).

What about Osama?

Who?

The other guy, the guy that used to have done it. Is he off the hook now?

I have no idea who you’re talking about. We got the guy. KSM. Game over.

So, er, that’s it then? We can all go home?

Um, no. Although we’ve got the guy that did everything, that War On Terror™ ain’t nowhere near finished; there are plenty of types out there who might do something later so we’re going after them too.

Oh. Well, who are they then?

They are the unknown unknowns. We think they might be sorta swarthy looking. Or not. Whatever. Can’t be too careful.

But the War On Terror was about catching the terrorists and we did. You did. And it turns out there was only one of ‘em, so…

Ah. But now there’s more than one. Now there’s lots.

Why? How come?

Because of the War On Terror! Dur!

So why are we so mad at Iraq?

Because Iranians Hate Our Freedoms™! They torture people! They have no justice!

Hmm. So how did you get this confession from KSM?

Yeah. Well. We coerced him a little. Finessed. Played him a few records, y’know, kept him up past his bedtime, generally gave him ample opportunity to engage in a conversation regarding his various activities, hobbies, pastimes and that, y’ know, usual stuff.

Coerced. Would that be coerced as in the PATRIOT Act’s ‘coercive measures’ coerced?

Probably.

Torture, then?

No. Coercion.

Right. And so where exactly were y'all when he spilt the beans?

In court.

Oh, okay. So what kind of court? Federal? Supreme?

Um, Cuban. Sorta. Ever been? S'lovely this time of year.

Oh. Gee, picking a jury must have been hard.

Yeah, well, there wasn’t a jury as such…

Oh. I see. Well, the judges…

Nope. Weren’t none of them either.

Then what…

It was a military tribunal.

But his lawyer…

Uh uh. Sorry.

Then how did he call witnesses?

Witnesses? He did 9/11! He said so!

But he must have been allowed to defend himself somehow.

Bzzzt! Wrong again!

But that’s not justice.

He doesn’t deserve justice.

So you can never give him a fair trial?

Depends on what you call fair.

Well, I'd say defence lawyers, jury of peers, the right to see the evidence against you, hearsay evidence being inadmissable, that sort of thing. The odd judge wouldn't hurt either.

Oh. That kind of fair.

Yes. So, how about it?

No, it's way too fair. There's no way he can have one of them.

Why?

Because we coerced him.

But now you’ll have to let him go.

Not so fast, buddy.

But you can’t keep him indefinitely without a trial.

Oh no? Watch us!

But what about Habeas Corpus?

Who?

The right to challenge one’s detention.

He did 9/11! He’s got no right to anything!

So how do you know he’s not lying?

Why would he lie?

Would you believe him if he said he didn’t do it?

No.

Would you let him go if he didn’t do it?

No.

So what has he got to lose? You’re not going to let him go either way, so he might as well have some fun.

What do you mean?

I mean that he’s messing with you.

Oh. Y'think so? Gee. We never thought of that. So he’s lying about not lying?

Yup.

What a liar! Stick him in Git’mo!

He’s there already.

Oh yeah. So he is. Oops!

Didn’t you think that it was all a bit too easy?

Certainly saved us some work. Now we don’t have to catch, um, wassisname, er…

Osama?

Who?

Hey, here’s an idea – maybe he never said any of it. Maybe the military made it all up. Maybe he said it and he gets to disappear to Argentina…

Aha! A conspiracy fucking theorist. This interview is over.

Mr. Cheney, thank you very much.

Go fuck yourself.

64 comments:

Anonymous said...

Elroy,

Don't undermine the Bush adminstration's abilities to nab virtually unknown terror suspects before they slip through the cracks and end up driving New York Taxi cabs! So my friend, who is the new the magma spewing evil re-incarnate mr. Terror of the month!? With the Republican war machine going down the poop shoot in Iraq, I suspect there will be plenty of new evil doers soon to e showing up on Fox news. So be on the look out!

Ron said...

KSM stole the Lindberg baby. Great site!

--Ron

http://revolttoday.blogspot.com/

RaggMopp said...

I'd like to ask Elroy - will those pesky Iranians give us our UK sailors back? What have they taken them for anyhoo?

Perhaps they're an a weird splinter group from the Troops Out of Iraq movement...

Elroy said...

Purplehaze-

I’m afraid that the new magma-spewing evil re-incarnate Mr. Terror Of The Month is already driving a New York taxicab. He doesn’t know he’s the new magma-spewing evil re-incarnate Mr. Terror Of The Month yet, he’ll be informed of that at a later date; at the moment he’s merely guilty of Driving While Muslim. Still, he’s got the credentials – a copy of the Koran and a tendency to look to Mecca five times a day – so why not? Hannity has to have something to hyperventilate about.


Ron-

KSM did that? Send him to Git’mo! There are a few more incidents on the books to unload though, so…TAXI!






AR-OH-GEE-GEE-EM-OH-PEE-PEE-

Don’t forget that a bunch of British Army guys were picked up wearing masquerading as Arabs complete with IEDs a while back. What were they up to? And given that, can the Iranians be blamed for being suspicious?

Furthermore, according to the Iranians the poms have just admitted that they were in Iranian waters, so considering the less than friendly attitudes from their new neighbours, the USA, Iran was well within their rights to bang the Brits to rights.

Now, you may have some doubts as to how Iran came up with that confession, but now that the US have ok’ed torture as a legitimate form of interrogation such questions have, much to the detriment of us all, become academic. If you are worried that the admission by the sailors if a tad iffy, then you must also be concerned about the veracity of KSM’s alleged assertions.

But now we will never know, because for expediency’s sake the USA has dragged the world back to middle ages, or the other side of the cold war, or the whatever dictator’s gulag you care to mention. This abdication of the moral high ground is going to have both immediate and interminable ramifications. Be careful what you wish for.

But you gotta love them Ames Brothers!

Thanks for asking Elroy!

Elroy Snr Sydney said...

Leave John Howard alone Elroy. What did he ever do to/for you? You are just jealous because he lives in a big house and has a hottie for a wife.

Anonymous said...

lorazepam no prescription ativan and drinking alcohol - ativan help quit smoking

Anonymous said...

buy xanax xanax 1.5 mg - round white xanax 2mg

Anonymous said...

xanax sale buy xanax online no prescription overnight - xanax bars online cheap

Anonymous said...

diazepam drug buy valium online usa fast delivery - diazepam 2 mg half life

Anonymous said...

buying xanax xanax generic . 5 mg - buy xanax online mastercard

Anonymous said...

order ativan online ativan side effects alcohol - best generic ativan

Anonymous said...

order xanax xanax 2mg footballs - how many xanax pills to get high

Anonymous said...

cheapest ativan ativan blood pressure - ativan side effects short term

Anonymous said...

buy xanax without prescriptions withdrawal side effects xanax xr - dosage of xanax for anxiety

Anonymous said...

buy valium online valium 0.5 mg - valium good drug anxiety

Anonymous said...

ambien 5 generic equivalent to ambien cr - order ambien online no prescription

Anonymous said...

buy valium online effects of valium and alcohol - valium effects on cats

Anonymous said...

Blogger: Let's Ask Elroy!™ - Post a Comment prednisone online pharmacy - prednisone pills http://www.ourdailybreadmarket.net/#prednisone-pills

Anonymous said...

Blogger: Let's Ask Elroy!™ - Post a Comment ativan online - buy ativan online http://www.ativanonlineoffer.com/#buy-ativan-online

Anonymous said...

Hi, MoxoredapeTox ambien without prescription - cheap generic ambien http://topandhra.com/#cheap-generic-ambien

Anonymous said...

Hi, MoxoredapeTox buy generic meridia - buy sibutramine meridia http://www.amaryllisgarden.com/#buy-sibutramine-meridia

Anonymous said...

Hi, MoxoredapeTox where to buy finasteride online - generic finasteride no prescription http://www.bigdocpoker.com/#order-propecia

Anonymous said...

Hi, MoxoredapeTox finasteride sale - purchase finasteride online http://www.wheretobuymedsonline.com/propecia/

Anonymous said...

Hi, MoxoredapeTox propecia cost - propecia price http://www.bigdocpoker.com/#order-propecia-online

Anonymous said...

Definition Of Medicine Ward generic rimonabant - where can i buy acomplia online http://www.buydiscountedisotretinoin.net/#where-can-i-buy-acomplia-online

Anonymous said...

Info On Medicine Of Nature acomplia uk - buy acomplia rimonabant http://www.buydiscountedisotretinoin.net/#buy-acomplia-rimonabant

Anonymous said...

Wolf Medicine Book acomplia no prescription - generic rimonabant http://www.buydiscountedisotretinoin.net/#generic-rimonabant

Anonymous said...

Hello, cheap lipitor no prescription - buy atorvastatin online http://www.costoflipitoronline.net/#buy-atorvastatin-online

Anonymous said...

P450 Equine Drugs topiramate migraine - cost of topiramate http://www.topamaxdiscount.com/

Anonymous said...

Medicine Hat Tranies topamax for sale - topamax price http://www.topamaxbetterprice.com/

Anonymous said...

Stage Fright Drug order topamax - buy topamax without prescription http://www.topamaxdiscount.com/

Anonymous said...

dalsCleax order diflucan without prescription - diflucan for sale no prescription http://www.diflucanonlineprice.com/#diflucan-for-sale-no-prescription

Anonymous said...

Merconium Drug Testing zyprexa online pharmacy - zyprexa pills http://www.perfectshutdown.com/, [url=http://www.perfectshutdown.com/]zyprexa price [/url]

Anonymous said...

New Hampshire Alcohol And Drug meridia for sale - buy meridia online http://www.meridiaonlineorder.net/#buy-meridia-online , [url=http://www.meridiaonlineorder.net/#buy-sibutramine-online ]buy sibutramine online [/url]

Anonymous said...

Taylor Practical Art Of Medicine buy meridia online - buy sibutramine online http://www.meridiaonlineorder.net/#buy-sibutramine-online , [url=http://www.meridiaonlineorder.net/#sibutramine-online ]sibutramine online [/url]

Anonymous said...

Menthol Tablets buy meridia online - buy sibutramine online http://www.meridiaonlineorder.net/#buy-sibutramine-online , [url=http://www.meridiaonlineorder.net/#sibutramine-online ]sibutramine online [/url]

Anonymous said...

2, buy zolpidem no prescription - ambien online without rx http://www.opensourcewcms.com/#ambien-online-without-rx , [url=http://www.opensourcewcms.com/#ambien-cost ]ambien cost [/url]

Anonymous said...

2, finasteride price - generic propecia http://www.propeciagenericforsale.com/#finasteride-online , [url=http://www.propeciagenericforsale.com/#buy-finasteride ]finasteride cost [/url]

Anonymous said...

2, buy ambien - buy ambien no prescription http://www.opensourcewcms.com/#buy-ambien-no-prescription , [url=http://www.opensourcewcms.com/#buy-ambien-online-no-prescription ]buy ambien online no prescription [/url]

Anonymous said...

tni cheap lipitor no prescription - buy atorvastatin online http://www.lipitordiscountonline.net/#lipitor-medication, [url=http://www.lipitordiscountonline.net/#lipitor-medication]buy lipitor [/url]

Anonymous said...

tni cheap clomid for sale - order clomid http://www.clomidonlinediscount.net/#buy-clomiphene, [url=http://www.clomidonlinediscount.net/#buy-clomiphene]order clomid online no prescription [/url]

Anonymous said...

rvb purchase meridia - buy meridia no prescription http://www.meridiaonlinepurchase.net/#buy-meridia-no-prescription , [url=http://www.meridiaonlinepurchase.net/#meridia-cost ]meridia cost [/url]

Anonymous said...

ooo!!! Buy Topiramate - topiramate without prescription http://www.cheaptopamaxorder.net/#buy-topiramate, [url=http://www.cheaptopamaxorder.net/#buy-topiramate]Topamax No Prescription[/url]

Anonymous said...

ooo!!! Topamax Online - topiramate online http://www.topamaxbestonline.net/#generic-topiramate, [url=http://www.topamaxbestonline.net/#generic-topiramate]Buy Topamax[/url]

Anonymous said...

ooo!!! Topamax Online - topamax medication http://www.cheaptopamaxorder.net/#cheap-topamax, [url=http://www.cheaptopamaxorder.net/#cheap-topamax]Cheap Topamax[/url]

Anonymous said...

g, sumatriptan online - buy imitrex http://itrafficgeneration.com/#buy-imitrex , [url=http://itrafficgeneration.com/#imitrex-online-no-prescription ]imitrex online no prescription [/url]

Anonymous said...

ny, order provigil - modalert online http://www.thegooddoctormovie.com/#modalert-online , [url=http://www.thegooddoctormovie.com/#cheap-provigil ]cheap provigil [/url]

Anonymous said...

4, cheap modafinil - cheap provigil http://www.energyofprovigil.net/#buy-provigil, [url=http://www.energyofprovigil.net/#cheap-modafinil]provigil for sale[/url]

Anonymous said...

4, order strattera - strattera online pharmacy http://www.stratterabenefits.net/#buy-strattera, [url=http://www.stratterabenefits.net/#buy-strattera]strattera sale[/url]

Anonymous said...

1, [url=http://www.lunestabenefits.net/] Cheap Lunesta[/url] - Cheap Lunesta - lunesta cost http://www.lunestabenefits.net/.

Anonymous said...

2, [url=http://www.doesprozacwork.net/]Fluoxetine Online[/url] - Generic Fluoxetine - order fluoxetine http://www.doesprozacwork.net/.

Anonymous said...

2, [url=http://www.nexiumonlinefaq.net/]Buy Nexium[/url] - Esomeprazole Price - generic nexium online http://www.nexiumonlinefaq.net/.

Anonymous said...

purchase acomplia - buy acomplia http://www.acompliadietbenefits.net/, [url=http://www.acompliadietbenefits.net/]order acomplia online[/url]

Anonymous said...

[url=http://www.imitrexbenefits.net/]imitrex pills [/url] - generic imitrex cost - generic imitrex without prescription http://www.imitrexbenefits.net/.

Anonymous said...

6, [url=http://www.stratterarxcoupon.net/]Order Strattera Online[/url] - Atomoxetine Online - buy strattera online http://www.stratterarxcoupon.net/ .

Anonymous said...

6, [url=http://www.isotretinoinonlinerx.net/] Accutane Price [/url] - Isotretinoin Online - buy roaccutane http://www.isotretinoinonlinerx.net/ .

Anonymous said...

6, [url=http://www.stratterarxcoupon.net/]Buy Strattera Online[/url] - Order Strattera Online - atomoxetine cost http://www.stratterarxcoupon.net/ .

Anonymous said...

6, [url=http://www.cheapzoloftrx.net/] Sertraline Price [/url] - Buy Zoloft Online - cheap sertraline http://www.cheapzoloftrx.net/ .

Anonymous said...

6, [url=http://www.cheapzoloftrx.net/]zoloft no prescription medication [/url] - buy generic zoloft online - zoloft for anxiety http://www.cheapzoloftrx.net/.

Anonymous said...

6, [url=http://www.cheapzoloftrx.net/] Zoloft For Sale[/url] - Zoloft For Sale - sertraline 50 mg http://www.cheapzoloftrx.net/ .

Anonymous said...

11, [url=http://www.installandenjoy.com/]Cheap Wellbutrin[/url] - Buy Zyban - buy zyban online http://www.installandenjoy.com/

Anonymous said...

14, [url=http://www.campvance.com/] Cheap Sumatriptan[/url] - Imitrex Online - imitrex without rx http://www.campvance.com/ .

Anonymous said...

Your aгtiсle provides proven helpful to me personally.
It’s very uѕeful and you're obviously very knowledgeable in this field. You get opened up my eye to different thoughts about this kind of matter with intriquing, notable and solid written content.
Also see my webpage: Valium

Anonymous said...

Fmduvc [url=http://hermeskelly.finniwolf.com][b]hermes store[/b][/url] hermes outlet http://hermeskelly.finniwolf.com Krfydb Sqnjcc hermes kelly